http://www.mudding.org/forum/rss/forum_3/ Latest threads on: Mudding.org http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/offroader-s-prayer/ Which art in Moab
Four Wheeling by thy name.
To thy trails we come,
Thy maintenance be done
In Garage,
As it is on the trail.
Give us this day our daily drive,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those that trespass on us,
And lead us not unto illegal closures
But deliver us from Sierra Clubbers
For thine is clearance,
The articulation,
And the traction forever. Amen

Written By: Shawn M. Pagan]]> http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/offroader-s-prayer/ Sun, 29 Aug 2010 17:36:11 +0000 Andry Budiman http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/coolest-mailbox-in-texas/




]]> http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/coolest-mailbox-in-texas/ Fri, 26 Mar 2010 22:52:05 +0000 Andry Budiman http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/angry-train-conductor/ here.
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Let's start with some DON'Ts.

1) A train is really, really big. Can we all accept that? Not even your Ram/F350/Hummer/douche-mobile is a match for a locomotive. You say you have a Cummins diesel? Caterpillar? Detroit? Oooooooh. Well I have an EMD 567 on a bad day, and even its pathetic eighteen-hundred horsepower will pound you and your gleaming pickup into the fourth dimension, so please, stay behind the white line!

2) I hate blocking crossings. Seriously, I feel like a complete asshole when I stop a train in the middle of the road and leave two dozen motorists to ponder their lattes and ask what the hell I'm doing. The truth is, sometimes it has to be done, so don't honk at me, flip me off, or scream at me from the window of your Dodge Caravan as you're shooting a U. Instead, be patient and try to believe that there's a point to what I'm doing. It's called switching, and my conductor is depending on me to work slowly and not run his ass over. If you don't believe me, Wiki that shit.

3) Don't climb on the equipment. I hate to sound like your mother, but you're saving me a lot of paperwork and horrifying flashbacks by staying off the equipment. To you it might look like an abandoned train or a free ride, but when that bastard starts to move with you on it, there's a damn good chance you won't be able to hold on. As long as you're on Wikipedia, punch in "slack action" and see what comes up. Also, the romance of riding freight trains is total bullshit. They're really dark, really cold, really windy, and hobos are fucking SCARY.

4) Don't put shit on the tracks. It's dangerous to me and my conductor, and it's ten times more dangerous for you and everyone else on the ground. If you're wondering "can a train go over a rock?" the answer is YES. There's only one problem. You probably haven't wondered where the million shards of rock are going to go at four times the speed of sound, have you?

5) Stop whining about the horn. Countless accidents have been avoided because drivers missed the flashing lights but heard the horn. You'd have to blast Miley Cyrus and Lil' Bow Wow pretty fucking loud to drown out a five-chime, and often that's the only thing that saves people. Still, that's no reason to keep your stereo at eighty decibels as you're rolling through a crossing at sixty without looking both ways.

6) By and large, railroad cops are major douche bags, so when you're trespassing on railroad property, keep your head out of your ass. These guys didn't make it into the real police force, and they will ream your ass inside and out to make up for it. Also, walking on bridges and in tunnels is extremely dangerous. Ask yourself: If a train comes, where will I go? Trains are much wider than the rails they run on, so don�t be fooled.

Now for some of the DO'S.

1) If you see a large object (like a garbage can or an F350) that's about to get love-tapped by a hotshot freight train, get in the clear. If the shit's about to fly at a railroad crossing, run to the side of the street that the train is coming from. That way you'll be behind the point of impact and you won't have to worry about catching that beautiful pickup and its over-confident driver square on your fucking shoulders. If you run away from the train you're just putting yourself in the line of fire, and the death toll could very possibly be two.

2) If the gates stay down and the lights stay flashing, stay where you are. I guaran-damn-tee there's another train coming, and speeding onto the tracks the moment the first train clears is a lot like celebrating a touchdown too early. WHAM.

3) When you're waiting for a train to pass, it's a good idea to stay back thirty or forty feet. Trains are operated by professionals, but often they're loaded by total assclowns. I've heard some real nasty stories about payloads falling off flatcars and crushing people in their vehicles, or doors sliding off boxcars and ripping through everything in their path. It's rare, but shit happens!

4) Always report problems or suspicious activity. If you see a photographer with a radio scanner and a big-ass notebook, ignore him. We know that guy. But if there's a dude in street clothes working a crowbar through a signal box, hit us up and tell us what the deal is. Railroad crossings usually have signs with emergency numbers, or you can call the non-emergency number for your local fuzz. If an accident has already occurred or a life is at risk, call 911 instead. Pretty sure they have our number.

5) Last but not least, when you're inconvenienced by a train, remember that we're pulling for you! Trains are a great way to conserve fuel, reduce greenhouse gas emissions, and keep American jobs alive and green. Rail technology is the best solution to our energy crisis, and as the rail network grows in the years to come, it's important for everyone to stay safe. Look, listen, LIVE.]]> http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/angry-train-conductor/ Fri, 19 Mar 2010 07:48:15 +0000 Andry Budiman http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/to-the-slow-winter-drivers/ here.

Are you intimidated by winter driving? What the hell are you doing up here then? Do you know where you are? This isn't the fucking jungle or desert.

You inevitably pull out in front of me when there's no one behind me, and you could've waited another 15 seconds to not make anyone slam on their brakes on ice and snow. You then continue to drive really slow, say less than half the speed limit. No one in their right mind would pass someone on roads with a 2 ft snow drift in the median during a snow storm. So, I'm stuck behind you until you pull into whatever casino, bingo hall, party, or wherever you're headed that's OK be late to. Yes, I realize that driving on slippery roads and in low visibility can be scary, so I appreciate you driving within your limits. However, don't pull out in front of a car when you know you're not going to at least go the speed limit! Just wait another 30 seconds maybe (since you obviously aren't in a hurry anyway), and you won't ruin someone elses' day. Also, when you see a line of cars 30-50 deep trapped behind you, you don't have to speed up, no, but you SHOULD pull over to let some by. You're obviously doing a really shitty job of setting the pace on this "not-safe-for-passing" road. Do us ALL a favor and let us get to our families, jobs, and real obligations, and pull the fuck over for fuck's sake! It's a common courtesy. If the shoulder has been replaced by a 14 ft wall of plowed snow (as we all know happens up here), find a decently plowed side road to pull on to for a minute. Don't be surprised or offended when you get 25 middle fingers and 37 horns out of the 50 cars you fucked for the last hour and a half that are now passing you.

Here are some tips for you that will make both of our lives easier:

1. Your winter driving confidence will grow 10 fold if you get rid of that 1994 Buick front wheel drive and get something with all wheel drive. You don't need a huge truck or SUV, but just something that actually gets some traction. Try a used Subaru. They're all wheel drive, cheap, and fuel efficient.

2. Go practice in an empty parking lot, and see what exactly your limits are and those of your vehicle. You won't get arrested for sliding around an empty parking lot Sunday evening outside of town.

3. You don't want to give up your front wheel drive Buick? Get some snow tires! At least for the front two wheels, but better yet all of your wheels could use them. You will be amazed at what a good set of snow tires actually do for your driving and confidence. There's a reason why they're popular up here.

4. Wait until the last car passes before pulling on to the road. See above. Shit!

5. Stay the fuck home! Visibility to low? Too windy? Icy roads? Then don't drive to the casino to lose another $200 bucks out of your $300 paycheck and jeopardize the roads for the rest of us. Stay home and watch game shows and beat your wife/husband/dog or whatever you sleep with at night.

6. Don't like option #5? Take a cab! Believe it or not, these guys are good at winter driving. They do this for a living and they're really quite nice people. Besides, the cab ride to the casino or bingo hall will only cost a fraction of what you'll lose once you get there. Plus you save the embarrassment of getting flipped off by grandma in the Ford Expedition while passing you.

7. Move to the South. I bet you'd fit in there anyway. Not sure what their casino scene is like, but you'll find some other unintelligent way to lose money. You can keep your Buick, too!

I realize the people who are actually the offenders are probably not going to read this, at least not many of them. First you have to get a computer. Then resist the urge to pawn it for casino money. If you know any of these assholes, tell them what you think about following them at 20 mph on Highway 41 or M28 for two goddamn hours. Thanks!

I'll see you on the road!]]> http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/to-the-slow-winter-drivers/ Fri, 19 Mar 2010 07:45:19 +0000 Andry Budiman http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/42-42-42-funny-craigs-list-find-42-42-42/ http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/csw/pts/1607493668.html]]> http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/42-42-42-funny-craigs-list-find-42-42-42/ Fri, 19 Mar 2010 00:48:36 +0000 robert b http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/you-know-you-re-a-real-4-wheeler-when/ You know you're a REAL 4-Wheeler when...

* You'll stop and look at any old rusty heap thinking "Parts Vehicle"......

* Your rig has more [farm, boat, military, other vehicle manufacturers] equipment on it than O.E.M. parts.

* The weatherman says "Stay in, it's dangerous!" and you think "Time to go wheelin'!

* You're happy that you can't use first gear on the street.

*A military convoy passes by and you only look at axles, tires, & antennas.

*You have enough straps, chains, rope, etc. in your rig to keep the Queen Mary docked during a hurricane.

*You can break down on the road, fix the problem, and get back on the road without calling AAA.

*You break down on the road and fix the problem, and get back on the road on a regular basis.

*The AAA guy breaks down, you stop and fix his problem and get back on the road.

*You have a brand new set of tires and keep looking at the tire ad's anyway.

*You'll drive 2 days at 500 miles @ day so you can spend 2 more days driving 3 miles a day.

*You get really steamed because you spent over an hour to cover the 10 miles to work on Friday, but are grinning ear-to-ear on Saturday because you just spent 6 hours going 4 miles on your favorite trail.

*Your C.B. has never seen any channel but 4.

*You built your rig to have a top speed of 65-70 mph - on purpose.

*When you pull up next a corvette, all the driver can see is tires and whatever is on the other side of you.

*You challenge the 'vette driver to a race if you can pick the course.

*Your monthly expenses for the RIG exceeds the monthly car payment of your friend's new Lexus]]> http://www.mudding.org/forum/humor-3/you-know-you-re-a-real-4-wheeler-when/ Mon, 08 Mar 2010 13:19:16 +0000 Andry Budiman